Category Archives: written word

Experiencing Freedom

There isn’t an easy, flowing way of stating this, so blunt reality will have to do.  Everything influencing me must stop, and if that isn’t drastic enough it surely must die.  I am a fully-grown ADULT woman.  I am capable of making my own “good” decisions and I am capable of forming a beautiful life for myself.

I have been brain-washed by family my entire life.  There is no simple way of saying that either.  All my life, the prospects of “good” have been shoved down my throat.  My definition of “good” IS NOT theirs.  I am no longer going to settle for their definition.

I am coming to positive revelations- TRUTHS- the best kind of revelation.  Life is now.  Life isn’t happening outside of my skin.  Life is a memorable experience!  I want to fully dive into my life because that is the only way for anyone to get total satisfaction out of things-  it isn’t good to worry oneself with anything outside of your realm of control.  I am only looking for the peace I have already obtained.

This journey isn’t about hating my incessant travels and obsessively concentrating on arriving at a particular location
But my journey is about appreciating what is before me, what is mine.

 

 

 

I love my “weetod”!!

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the skeptical hourglass

Becoming disengaged-
benefits the outrage
Crinkled faces/ corroded faith
passing through the hourglass
one pebble at a time-
small enough to be a sign
one hateful stare, one minute form of human indecency
seeing everything with this perception really has me questioning
did I waste the last 20 grains that slipped through the median?
It is what I wish it to become
-there, there-
I sympathetically pat believers backs-
“selfish is as selfish does”


What A Narcissistic Novelty- (2/29/12)

after forming the fragments,
“I never loved you”
and
“whorish bitch”
do you sleep better,
or should you pop some more pills?
I didn’t think it was
What it most certainly is
and the penalties are greater
for those who gave their hearts.
I’m sickened that I love you
When its impossible to like you.
The black smudge of my past
is no longer splattered on my face,
crinkled into despair-
but with distinct painted divinity of grace and purity,
just know that,
Lying to yourself is only a makeshift substitute structure for the truth-
temporarily.


BEAUTIFUL

This is an excerpt from the book, Hinds Feet on High Places – the story of the deformed and emotionally abused girl called Much-Afraid, and her encounter with the Shepherd who promises to take her away from her bondage to the high places in the mountains and heal her deformities– if she will only trust him. Trust him and persevere when it is hard. Her journey starts like this:

“Then will you let me plant the seed of true Love there now?” asked the Shepherd. “It will take you some time to develop hinds’ feet and to climb
to the High Places, and if I put the seed in your heart now it will be ready to bloom by the time you get there.”

Much-Afraid shrank back. “I am afraid,” she said. “I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can.”

“That is true,” agreed the Shepherd. “To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you not?”

She nodded miserably and then said shamefacedly, “Yes, very much afraid of it.”
“But it is so happy to love,” said the Shepherd quietly. “It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.”

Much-Afraid thought suddenly that he had the most patient eyes she had ever seen. At the same time there was something in them that hurt her to the heart, though she could not have said why, but she still shrank back in fear and said (bringing the words out very quickly because somehow she was ashamed to say them), “I would never dare to love unless I were sure of being loved in return. If I let you plant the seed of Love in my heart will you give me the promise that I shall be loved in return? I couldn’t bear it otherwise.”

The smile he turned on her then was the gentlest and kindest she had ever seen, yet once again, and for the same indefinable reason as before, it cut her to the quick.

“Yes,” he said, without hesitation, “I promise you, Much-Afraid, that when the plant of Love is ready to bloom in your heart and when you are ready to change your name, then you will be loved in return.”

A thrill of joy went through her from head to foot. It seemed too wonderful to be believed, but the Shepherd himself was making the promise, and of one thing she was quite sure. He could not lie.

“Please plant Love in my heart now,” she said faintly. Poor little soul, she was still Much-Afraid even when promised the greatest thing in the world.The Shepherd put his hand in his bosom, drew something forth, and laid it in the palm of his hand. Then he held his hand out toward Much-Afraid.
“Here is the seed of Love,” he said. She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of his hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply-pointed thorn. Much-Afraid had often noticed that the Shepherd’s hands were scarred
and wounded, but now she saw that the scar in the palm of the hand held out to her was the exact shape and size of the seed of Love lying beside it.

“The seed looks very sharp,” she said shrinkingly. “Won’t it hurt if you put it into my heart?”

He answered gently, “It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly. But, Much-Afraid, I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must
know pain too.”

Much-Afraid looked at the thorn and shrank from it. Then she looked at the Shepherd’s face and repeated his words to herself. “When the seed of Love in your heart is ready to bloom, you will be loved in return,” and a strange new courage entered into her. She suddenly stepped forward, bared her heart, and said, “Please plant the seed here in my heart.”

His face lit up with a glad smile and he said with a note of joy in his voice, “Now you will be able to go with me to the High Places and be a citizen in the Kingdom of my Father.” Then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd’s words, “It is so happy to love,” and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shone. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all. The twisted mouth had relaxed into a happy curve, and the shining eyes and pink cheeks made her almost beautiful.

“Thank you, thank you,” she cried, and knelt at the Shepherd’s feet. “How good you are. How patient you are. There is no one in the whole world as good and kind as you. I will go with you to the mountains.


(W)reckless (2/3-18/2012)

The grand dimensions of human existence
hardly hold weight in comparison to my tortured misconceptions
A spirit of susceptibility
turns rusty, mechanical grinds in
my grotesque mind
destroying cobwebs which illustrate absence
determining rebirth and right thinking-
but where do I shine this newly polished machinery
when coincidence results in consequence
and has begun to resemble a wrecking ball?
Love does not play around with destruction and
being out of my life promotes existence
primarily in the trash receptical

With that, I concur:
I will not thrive on indifference between my wrecking ball and my reckless pride.
Pride is the paramount sin defining Lucifer’s fall, not something to admire or long for- at all.


I can’t explain this:

All I see is answered prayer.  My mind just came to this conclusion and I am so excited to partake in living it out in my life, despite how other’s feel.  My life is God’s.  My life is Jesus Christ’s.  My life is in God’s country.  True, this may not look like an answered prayer, because Heaven knows, this has taken me years of searching and ions of reconciling were spent wandering around aimlessly because I really had no itinerary.

Isaiah 55:8 reads, “‘My thoughts are completely different from your thoughts,’ says THE LORD.”

Correct, the thoughts we as human’s entertain are detestable and false to our Lord.  He forges out new paths and new rivers in life for us to venture down.  And so it seems terribly ungodly to try and just live a happy life.  Our happiness pails in comparison to how The Lord can and will make us happy.  I for one am more then ready to suffer for His name, to be persecuted, and to bring His name to the nations.

Isaiah 55:10 reads, “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth.  They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.  11  It is the same with my word.  I send it out and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish ALL I want it to, and it WILL prosper everywhere I send it.”

I hold this verse very dear to my heart as I reflect on the paths that God has laid out for me.  I have been experiencing an awakening in my soul and I strongly suspect that God is orchestrating this voyage I am on, for His name to be glorified in all the Earth.  I know that God wants to use me to profess His name.  God doesn’t need me to profess His name.  There are many MANY others who He is using to commence His plans.  But I want God to USE me, and I feel like the Lord is urging me to live in Israel, writing for a quarterly magazine called Azure and/ or freelancing.

In Azure, there was an astounding look at the book of Ecclesiastes and I am very hungry for a more wholistic view of scripture.  This is only one option.  I am finding so many more writing opportunities!  I feel ecstatic.  Like I’m finally forging my own identity and my own path through this life!

I’ve been looking into my existence, talking to God about everything.  He knows what will satisfy my heart and soul.  Travel is in my life.  I’ve known this from a young age.  The same could be said for writing.

I have so much in my head right now, but the public’s eyes are not meant to be concerned.
Relax.  I’m in God’s strong embrace.  He will not let me fall.


Isaiah professes:

Tonight I met a very wise person at Caribou who showed me a life-changing verse.

Isaiah 55:10-11

“10 The rain and snow come down from the heavens and say on the ground to water the earth.  They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.  11 It is the same with my word.  I send it out, and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.”

Scripture WILL reach the people God has already pre-selected to hear His word.  That is evident.  I strongly feel that God had me meet that person to help me distinguish that.