Category Archives: Me:

A poor excuse for an explanation.

Sitting at my grandparents is comforting… they made me pancakes for breakfast and last night I went to the Easter production at their church which my Grandpa stars in as Caiaphus.  I get my acting talent from him… 🙂

This morning, I read an unsettling article on an Australian nursing home attendant that has been at the bedside of +50 people as they struggle to take their last breath.  She wrote a book where she compiled their last words and all of their regrets.  The similarities in their regrets were astounding.  Either they regretted focusing on their work too much and not paying more attention to their spouses and/ or their children or they regretted making decisions based on other people’s happiness.

Reading that left me very unstable because I’m afraid that that is all I’m doing.  But instead of a tangible person, I’m making my own decisions for the Lord.  I can’t help but be a little hesitant though…


Experiencing Freedom

There isn’t an easy, flowing way of stating this, so blunt reality will have to do.  Everything influencing me must stop, and if that isn’t drastic enough it surely must die.  I am a fully-grown ADULT woman.  I am capable of making my own “good” decisions and I am capable of forming a beautiful life for myself.

I have been brain-washed by family my entire life.  There is no simple way of saying that either.  All my life, the prospects of “good” have been shoved down my throat.  My definition of “good” IS NOT theirs.  I am no longer going to settle for their definition.

I am coming to positive revelations- TRUTHS- the best kind of revelation.  Life is now.  Life isn’t happening outside of my skin.  Life is a memorable experience!  I want to fully dive into my life because that is the only way for anyone to get total satisfaction out of things-  it isn’t good to worry oneself with anything outside of your realm of control.  I am only looking for the peace I have already obtained.

This journey isn’t about hating my incessant travels and obsessively concentrating on arriving at a particular location
But my journey is about appreciating what is before me, what is mine.

 

 

 

I love my “weetod”!!


One man’s trash truly is another man’s treasure!

Tonight, I made the decision to feed my neighbor because she doesn’t get enough money to afford a lot.  Deciding this on a whim, I grabbed a paper bag from my closet and threw in a box of cereal, a yogurt, a couple cans of soda and a cherished can of unopened soup that I’ve treasured for an entire year…  I treasured the sentimental value attached to the soup, not the soup itself…

But I realized, I have so much food.  My neighbor starves.  Just then the idea occurred to me- be a good Samaritan… WWJD?

I feel very good about acting under God’s will tonight 🙂


the skeptical hourglass

Becoming disengaged-
benefits the outrage
Crinkled faces/ corroded faith
passing through the hourglass
one pebble at a time-
small enough to be a sign
one hateful stare, one minute form of human indecency
seeing everything with this perception really has me questioning
did I waste the last 20 grains that slipped through the median?
It is what I wish it to become
-there, there-
I sympathetically pat believers backs-
“selfish is as selfish does”


I’ve been asking myself-

Why fight what is true?
Why fight what makes you the happiest?

I’ve learned this lesson the hard way over the last year.  The entire time I have been fighting against the correct answer, blindly grasping hold of my past.  But the correct decision is not always found in the past.  Rarely is it found where you have already tread. I’ve finally realized this and have taken initiative- for what feels like the first time and I can’t explain how freeing and how downright good I feel about it!

Opportunities are beckoning right around the corner.
You have to take just one  step away from familiarity to enter into something better.

And that is just what I am doing!  🙂

Life is the most rewarding when you know your true identity!  Life is most magical when you distance yourself from what you’ve always known… it has taken me this long to realize, the answers you are spoon-fed are not always the correct ones, the correct answers bring peace in your mind, body and soul.


Is everything a lie?

I just can’t bring myself to let go.  Everything I say about how I have moved on and have completely let go, its wishful thinking- really.  I find myself still immersed in this faulty love where I was never fully accepted.

Love is complete acceptance.

I continually fight with my mind for I’m told BY EVERYONE that what I dream for, what I long for, is a lie.  That it was something I had dreamed up.  I can’t bring myself to believe that because everything surpassed my expectations with him.


[Numb]

I can’t explain this.  I do believe it is an answered prayer.  I have become numb to this- that doesn’t mean that I don’t still care, only that those emotions have been carefully placed in a heavy duty safe.

This Taking Back Sunday song pinpoints my emotions well:

“New American Classic”

“We’ve got to get better,” I said, “It’s all in your head.”
We could live through these letters or forget it all together
See the months they don’t matter it’s the days I can’t take
When the hours move to minutes and I’m seconds awayJust ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Try to avoid it but there’s not a doubt
And there’s one thing I can do nothing about

When all that we need is just a reaction
It’s too much to ask for when there’s no attraction anymore
If chasing our dreams is just a distraction
I want to remember when I know that I can’t go back

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Try to avoid it (try to avoid it) but there’s not a doubt
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing about.

Just ask the question (just ask the question) come untie the knot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Retrace the steps (retrace the steps) as if we forgot
Say you won’t care, say you won’t care
Try to avoid it (try to avoid it) but there’s not a doubt
And there’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing about.

You’re stubborn and melodramatic- a real class act.