I realized a few things as I kept tossing and turning tonight before I managed to jump out of bed and viciously record all of my thoughts. Now granted, I have thought about more than what I’m choosing to mention, but in not mentioning them, I am respecting their privacy, as well as my sanity.
And so, in a quick summarization of my thoughts, here are the broad points that my mind has been picking apart tonight:
1. Self-respect is NOT a selfish attribute to uphold.
2. I need to be a nicer person.
3. I also need to stop beating myself up for not being a nicer person.
4. And not everything needs to be said. Know when to shut up.
5. Write more, dammit.
I feel like I’ve just woken up. I understand that this is the making of a terrible cliche statement but I really feel as if I have finally become aware of my drugged, religious stupor. Just barely, I am starting to come alive from this comatose state of oblivious emotional baggage.
That being said, I have so many ideas and I’ve been browsing around bookstores looking for the most befitting flame to ignite my story. Today I stumbled upon the thought of “what makes me feel so certain that I indeed have a story to tell?” In the past, my family has been unrelenting in provoking me to put my story to the page and they have been unrealistically adamant in persisting to shower me with endless compliments, exclaiming that I am, without question, gifted and skilled in the construction of sentencing. This is all well and good, but if my motivation isn’t inherent, beginning with my very heart’s desire, if I don’t feel a necessary pull towards writing something, it never happens… this usually tends to result with numerous writing droughts where I’m left grasping at strings in hopes of finding who I am once again, Without this beautiful revival, my writing won’t hardly deliver the fork lift-like motivation necessary in digging up my story along with the thousands of thoughts streaming through this writer’s head.
Let’s hope for the best.
I do not want to curse myself and tell the world that my writing has resurfaced because then I would expect it to disappear. I am merely holding my breath and lying in anticipation for my next move.
Patience is a virtue my dear.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and I really am starting to feel more in tune with myself shaking off my old baggage and entirely breaking free from any lingering fantasies. I’ve been working towards bettering myself and I’m realizing now that more than half of the work in the process is learning to appreciate yourself and fully realizing that this is your one chance at living your life exactly the way you want to, therefore nothing shouldn’t be done if it’s not being done for enjoyment or the greater good in one’s life which will ultimately result in other forms of enjoyment!
This life is a masterpiece in the making, and its yours individually to paint!