I have so many swimming thoughts and it has resulted in nothing but paralysis for the past year. I try to write out exactly what I’m thinking at the moment, but then the moment is gone and I am virtually forever altered and I start writing something completely different, abruptly cutting away from what I had been originally set out to write. With moving into a new apartment, into a new town, I grossly expect to be reunited with my ambitions and motivation. And I must admit, it feels damn good to be on the verge of productivity!
I’ve been very proactive today in job searching and contacting employers from a few of the positions I have interviewed for. I’ve also been spinning around ideas for my next writing project. People are so mistaken when it comes to the writer’s mind and work process.
Half of the writing process is struggling through your own mind to figure out just what it is you want to permanently lay out on paper. Writing is an extremely respectable vocation because writers are ALWAYS working! Even when they are not putting pen to paper or I suppose, to be generationally relevant it would be mind to keyboard- but aside from that small detail, I want to make known that half of writing is experiencing life and the other half is thinking it through, making sense of what your mind is telling you. That is why it irks me so much when people do not think I’m working on something because I’m not particularly writing anything down. But I am, believe me.
I am channeling my desire, my love from what I cannot have to my writing. The trick to not turning your work into some sappy, bad, broken-hearted poetry is to not entirely channel the subject in specifics but to more closely channel the aggression, the energy. Wish me luck.
This morning I decided to go to church. Now this may seem like a very predictable thing for me to do but I’ll have you know that I have a great civil war battling inside of my soul for some time now. It has been made clear to me, finally, that my own selfish, naive desires have not helped me find who I am but have only led me down a dead end. I alone made the self-sacrificing option of allowing Satanic forces into my life and I take full blame of that. The sermon this morning spoke about how healthy margins in our busy schedules can really be, allowing for rest and construction of strong familial bonds.
Church this morning also defeated this reluctant, nay-saying mindset that I have been soaking up about how my life is of little importance to God in comparison to the wars in the middle East or the orphans in China. Over the years, my mind has been obliterated of any signs of trusting God and I have finally come to determine that trusting God, faith in God, is A CHOICE that each individual must pinpoint in their own heart. I will not lie, I have indeed been wrestling with questions like, “How do I make my heart believe what I know is right when my mind is so numbed to it?” My answer is simple. MAKE YOUR CHOICE to believe, no matter how wrong your mind tells you you’re being.
My/Your heart knows its home.
I’ve been comatose these past few months out of sheer hesitation and bitterness that I was attempting to ward off. Turns out that once the bitterness has run it’s course it allows great healing to take it’s place. People always tell you to fight off your feelings of bitterness. This never seemed to work for me, it only allowed my anguish to lie dormant provoking confusion which only held me tightly, prodding me towards the wrong goal. Well, now I’ve let that lie go. My bitterness has run its course and made me a stronger individual because of it.
The trick, of course, is to not cling too tightly to your bitterness but to allow it to waft off after the sting has subsided. Without doing this, there is an imminent danger of allowing your bitterness to take on a life of it’s own.
I am living now not with fear or any other remnants of stagnant bitterness, but with a clear mind ready to embrace a clear future. Sure, I have regrets. One of the major regrets I have is knowing that I absolutely wasted the last two years of my college career.
I am prepared for my life to run its course separate from the constraints that were set on me previously.
I swear, its getting difficult for me to even want to be productive at times but I’ve also realized that I can overcome these stagnant feelings. I’ve learned to swallow a lot of my pride and also accept that I might not be right about a lot of things. I’ve also learned that my quick-reaction, paranoid buoy that I always tend to rush to in hopes to save me from anymore awkward situations has only jeopardized my life from maintaining secure friendships.
Spending these last few weeks alone in my apartment has brought all of these thoughts to my attention and I sincerely hope to metaphorically kick myself in the rear so I can progressively move forward on this road creating a better me with my relationships and my motivation. I need to engage myself more into my interests. They are no one else’s only mine.
I’m also proud to admit that this spring in my motivational step has also agreed to being my muse for my writing adventures. This can and will be an interesting feat and I look most forward towards peeling back the scales of boredom and revelation from my eyes with you, oh muse. I’m hardly scared of using course language.
I don’t understand why my entire family is so offended when I choose not to attend church. Personal choice trumps the opinions of family and my motives for going to church would taint Christ’s pure intentions for church attendance.
In my eyes, following Christ is in fact, NOT attending church at this time in my life. If anyone is unable to respect that decision, please- keep it to yourself. I am trying out this new thing called being void of drama. I ask, not for an answer but for other’s to ponder this idea,
How would it be “ok” in God’s eyes if I decided to appease my family and attend church??
First, one needs to have a personal motivation, because yes it pleases God when we are obedient and go to church. I am currently praying for that motivation and attending a church group on Tuesday nights that I am feeling far more comfortable with. Maybe this is God’s way of keeping me close? Church attendance on Sunday morning doesn’t say it all.
To each his own. That is how I choose to see things.
I serve a God who isn’t restricted by schedules. I serve a God who doesn’t reserve only Sunday mornings for church but any day of the week. I serve a God who doesn’t live by seven-day schedules defining a week.
I have been notably terrible at updating my blog, but I do hope that this changes dramatically as I begin the next cycle of my life. For the past few months I have been facing excessive bouts of nostalgia mixed with anxiety and unnecessary hysteria. I am learning to stand on my own two feet and create my own outlooks, living by and keeping to my own beliefs. This is an extremely ambitious trial but it is well worth it. I don’t believe that because someone told me that- in fact, no one told me that and if I get my way, no one will be telling me that. No one will be filling my head up with their manipulative speech that are like fireworks to my mind.
Thursday I have a job interview with Thomson Reuters for a Blog Writer’s position. I feel like I’ll finally be going somewhere with my life, taking action with the skills I spent 4 1/2 years acquiring in college. This excites and relieves me so much because I won’t be lounging idly around my apartment any longer. Also, the office is located near my new apartment that I will be moving into soon enough so that will be very convenient. I feel confident in myself that I can and will succeed in this and I’m not even allowing my mind to wander and my heart to grab the stearing wheel of my life anymore. My heart will never make me happy. I breathe that knowledge in and learn to rest with it as the thought is absorbed into my pores.