Monthly Archives: August 2012

new home on the horizon…

I am officially moving within a month from this establishment!!!  Excitement doesn’t even begin to cover the range of emotions I’m feeling.  Excitement, contentment,  I’m excited because this opens a new chapter in my life plus it makes me be more independent, more responsible.  Which, anyone who knows me knows that I am always in need of a little shove in order to get things going.

I haven’t started packing yet but it’s definitely on my to-do list.  I feel like this move will really put me in a positive environment for my writing skills to flourish and that is only one of the very exciting parts about my move.

I will, however, strongly miss the Centennial Commons apartments.  I’ve been in this area of the cities, Roseville, for 5 1/2 years!  But when you look at it that way I guess you can also admit that I’m relieved to be moving on with my life, not to mention the vast amounts of excitement that come to me when I’m figuring out a new bus route/ schedule.  I know it’s sort of dorky, but I love figuring out new transit routes.  Call it a hobby of mine…

More to come about my new apartment soon!


24 1/2 cries for freedom, finally heard:

Well, I have surely broken out of my familiar skin this past week.  Convenience has taken a back seat to my life.  Someone told me that I needed to stop living life for other people and I have to say, that was probably one of the best pieces of advice I have come by!  So, here I am, 24 1/2 and I can finally start living my life, with that wise advice!  🙂  You have no idea how excited that makes me, knowing I don’t need to make anyone happy but myself.

It’s a very freeing realization.
I’m glad I’m more mature and more fully aware of what makes me happy and what doesn’t.

I really needed to go through Hell to better conceptualize the mirage of happiness and see through it into true happiness.

“…Only Because You Can’t Fly”

Don’t bury your head in one single moment
like a dehydrated ostrich in deceptive sands of desert lands
Ashamed because aspirations have been stolen away
-oh, the repercussions of abandoning your faith-
I suggest (likeIknoweverything) you turn things around, unbury your head and own it,
because you’re not a stupid bird.
But then again, who am I to recommend reversion?
“Be afraid of your dreams”
is what you don’t tell me.

decades of thunderstorms
are  vanity downpours 
and dampened cookies
So maybe…
take my hand and we’ll
plunge into times of childish naivety,
rewind back to a time before the thought of hatching wasn’t seen as just alleviating the threat to hide
Now offer me peace with your animalistic calamity
and your decisive life.

“be afraid of your demons”
but at the same time,

 Don’t bury your mind.

My thoughts scare me:

I’ve been spending a lot of time just allowing my thoughts and feelings to simmer.  Keeping myself from losing my head in a sea of emotions    The danger in that is becoming numb to any feelings and I’m not in a place to clearly decide whether I want that or not. ‘What ifs’ are the devil.  I swear. 

But isn’t that normal to muster thoughts that scare yourself?  I’m willing to reason that more than myself and a couple medically diagnosed schizophrenic people share this recognition.  Thoughts are a scary place, which is why I am finding solace in Netflix.   I’m sufficiently thrown for a loop.  I’m wanting to begin writing but I really don’t have any ideas.  And I don’t want to continue on with a previous short story.  I want to start new because I am new.  I love resting in that.  

Tonight I’ve realized:

I’m so terribly emotionally damaged.  I feel nothing, only worse.  I can’t deal with this.  I don’t know what to do.  I won’t listen either.  Just force these things out of my life.  Where the hell is my own strength?  I’m beyond emotionally entangled.  I am distraught- and I fear- is this a permanent transaction?