In using the bus for transportation everywhere in this city, I’m beginning to ponder my faith journey.There are seriously a hundred different avenues I could venture down in attempting to explain my current perception of God so I believe it will benefit my readers more if I just cover my main struggles and their dilapidation:
1) God’s Presence?
Honestly. Where is He? If He is so compassionate, why does the child starve, the woman get raped, the man shot in war? I know that it is because we live in a fallen world and Sin exists, “ultimately God’s glory shines through.” I have yet to see that, frankly.
2) Ignorance IS Bliss?
Pondering number one, I have safely concluded that ignorance truly is blissful. Also, being brought up with a strict Christian background and having been educated at a private Christian college, the penalty is greater for me if I choose to discard the “faith” that I’ve taken for granted growing up around. Great power demands great responsibility. Therefore disregarding it would prove unjust and foolish. Yet, my mind is consistently thrown into a fit of questioning.
3) Why Am I So Easily Influenced…?
Its a problem I’ve dealt with since receiving my brain injury and having healed from the major extent of it, I have been left with a remarkably humbling disability in which other people play the central character in making influential decisions in my life.
4) Living On The Fence Isn’t Happiness?
Tonight I was told that living half for God and half in the world is a miserable existence. But how then do Christians survive without becoming hermits???
My head is a jumble of these thoughts and I don’t particularly feel comfortable sharing them, but I feel like it is necessary for me to explain my current mindset and all that I am wrestling with. Have a good night.
So who would have guessed you could have so much fun busing around the city? I for one had no idea! Even though I’ve always felt a strong pull towards being associated with the inner city, I can’t say I’ve ever had the opportunity to “rummage” around the city, taking random bus routes and depending on my own direction skills. I must say, if anything it was VERY validating for me.
No one has me under their thumb… for just about the first time in my life! This freedom suits me, I must say… I can see why my freedom scares people, namely my family, but people are always unnecessarily afraid of anything different or out of their control… but just knowing FINALLY that my life is ALL MINE I’m finally prepared to take charge and live my life the way it is supposed to be lived!!!
Today, I took a bus to No. St. Paul to visit the Workforce Station and to meet with my Job Counselor. From there, I took a bus into the heart of St. Paul and I just bummed around the entire day.
Life is pleasant.
Lately, I’ve been drenched in confusion and desperation- searching for employment in all of the wrong fronts. (stupid Monster.com) I feel as if I stumbled upon gold as I think back to my past dreams! Indeed, it has clearly become time to reinvent them! I won’t waste any time in establishing my career! I’d love to yak about it in full detail, but then I would put myself underneath a deadline and consequently, pressure. So I won’t!
Just keep checking in with me:)
Last night I had a great bonding experience with Lara and my Dad and my Grandma Mary. We baked cookies and had a glass of wine. Also, I challenged my Grandma to a match in Scrabble. My letters were absolutely miserable until my Dad popped into the game and helped me assemble the word “GAUZE” over a TRIPLE WORD SCORE. lol Needless to say, I won the game then. Thanks Dad!
This week will be amazing, no doubt.
Updates to come!!!
Still scoping out work options and signing off,
Please God, move in me… I realize my past stubbornness and naivety.
There is nothing I can do now that it’s over aside from making sure that it won’t happen again. I know you’re strong enough God. You wrestled me figuratively like you actually wrestled Jacob. You have conquered me just like I needed you to. My life is yours Father and it’s not in the process of being transformed- IT IS TRANSFORMED! HALLELUJAH GOD!!!
My apologies for having not written much for the last couple weeks. I’ve been predisposed…? Really, that’s just a fancy way of calling myself busy, and REALLY meaning it! I swear though, my busyness isn’t reaping a whole lot off harvest.
I have been doing a lot of online research for job openings but I’m not coming back with a lot of options. Living situations are seeming very hazy right now and I’m not very sure where I’ll reside… if I find a job, I remain in my current apartment, if I do not find a job I’ll relocate.
I’m also headed to court Monday… I’m a little worried about the turn-out of situations, but that worry is only serving as a strong reminder that I must fully trust God with my future. Having unalterable faith in my Father wanting the best for me leads me to my next realization.
I want to BE THE BEST for my Father! The road I’m on is not a dead end- no the road I’m on carries beautiful surprises and gifts that my Father lavishly longs to bestow on me. All I need is the faith to determine my prestigious outcome, and
Father, I do ask wholeheartedly for your blessing on me and for your writing to flow through my pen! Let my talents sing your praises Father. Amen.
Why can’t I rest!!!?
Today, I went swimming by myself. Then Becca came over for dinner and we played Scrabble. Now I’m just debating whether or not I should just go to bed or read something- reading wins.
I spent about 4 hours job searching, applying for a copious amount of job positions and edited my cover letter to go along with my resume. I’m trusting God to provide a career for me soon. My high school friend, Jenna, waited four months after graduating and she finally found a job but she had to move back to New Richmond. I guess I’m not totally opposed to moving back to New Richmond, but I really feel “at home” in the cities…
It has been a total of three days… I wonder how he is? I wonder what he’s thinking about? I wonder what he’s doing? I just want to break every law and talk to him but I know that that isn’t right.
I am taking a stand with God. For too long now I have been stuck in a rut, just expecting Him to dig me out and do all of the hard work for me.
I am making an effort to desire holiness above all else. This has ripped me away from a number of comfortable habits I’ve gotten myself into but these steps need to be taken in order for me to pursue God more.