Monthly Archives: April 2012

Is this subconscious stubbornness?

I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully the last few nights.  Honestly, I haven’t been able to sleep without worry for weeks.

I don’t know why.  I just don’t.– OK, I do, I’m just too good at lying to myself.–

I guess I can chalk it up to thinking too much… I know you told me not to do that– but I cannot stop these impulsive thoughts numbing my mind and engraving a scowl on my heart…


Coming to my senses! FINALLY!!!

I am not wrong.  I’ve only been consistently, subtly manipulated to believe that.  Like a riverbed worn through a stone solid cavern over time.

The water I have been so desperately seeking, yet so incessantly disregarding is found in Christ.  My spirit resembles shattered glass with pieces or parts of me entirely disconnected.  I’ve never been wholly, 100% devoted to one thing.  My personality has always been at war with my Christ-centered soul.  I have been brutally beaten with verbal abuse to the point of utter hopelessness and swimming thoughts of paranoia.  I am done wading in blood-red, shark-infested waters!  Pieces of me have been torn off of my flesh throughout my life!  I am completely for Christ and when I meet my husband, we will become one in Christ!

But I AM faithful to believe that my Father is restoring me individually for the time being!  He has GREAT opportunities and blessings in my future and I am choosing to FULLY believe that!  I am remaking myself, forcing myself not to call him.  Please pray for me to succeed in this endeavor and to lean COMPLETELY on God for strength in the matter!


It’s become absolutely clear to me-

I cannot hold on to anything that is not wanting to be held.  It only results in an unsatisfactory relationship.  I don’t need it, I don’t want it!

I’ve learned that I need to stop wasting my time in mourning.  I need to stop wasting my time wishing I was somewhere else- because THIS IS THE LIFE GOD GAVE ME.  I will NO LONGER fight it!

I release my tightened grip.  I smile.  I do!

This is me, enjoying who I AM!

 


Obsessions are only strong pursuits of passion.

Obsessions are not real love.

I have realized that I am entirely unable to love.  I just flat-out don’t know how to return that emotion.

Obsession is the only love I am capable of giving,

This is a sickness.  It’s terminal.


Busy day…

Now I am far too tired to recap on my day… but I will make note that I turned in my application for Barnes and Noble!!  I really hope I get at least a part time position with them!

Today was a beautiful day- I need to stop taking them for granted and understand fully that each day is A GIFT!

 

I will take that to heart…  I definitely think you should also… 

    


Independence Over Indecision

Contrary to the name of this blog, I am no longer wallowing in indecision.  I have matured beyond the incessant yearnings of my heart and the terrible “what ifs” my mind plagues me with.  I am determined to write and to fully engage with my inner artist.  I am going to be 100% committed to myself- no one else.  

Last night, my friend Lauren and I took a small journey to Wet Paint and The Tea Garden.  I ordered an amazing banana-coffee flavored chai tea and developed a minimalist poem.  This art form really intrigues me because it is so intentional.  I may post the poem later- I haven’t decided yet if I want to.  I really appreciated the freedom I found in allowing my creativity to bloom instead of suffocating it.

Love is not the end point.  Life goes beyond love.  I am firm in that realization.  Independent love cannot be conquered.  It isn’t meant to be.  It is only meant to be appreciated.


What I have discovered:

It has taken me a while to arrive at this conclusion, but I can state with utmost certainty that I thoroughly feel the need to make my very own decisions.  As a responsible individual, I have taken note of my surroundings and have entirely understood that I am the only person who I am responsible for.

Other’s choices or actions are their own, even their reactions to how I have treated them.

Wow.  Heavy stuff.