Monthly Archives: February 2012

What A Narcissistic Novelty- (2/29/12)

after forming the fragments,
“I never loved you”
and
“whorish bitch”
do you sleep better,
or should you pop some more pills?
I didn’t think it was
What it most certainly is
and the penalties are greater
for those who gave their hearts.
I’m sickened that I love you
When its impossible to like you.
The black smudge of my past
is no longer splattered on my face,
crinkled into despair-
but with distinct painted divinity of grace and purity,
just know that,
Lying to yourself is only a makeshift substitute structure for the truth-
temporarily.


Every time– (2/28/12)

I’m too stunned to speak.
speech roadblocks require meditation he says
meditation and misty eyes, right.

I’m unable to feel
I’ve become numb with uncertainty
Do you not pay any attention to where your headed?
He jests, and I only feel my battered knees.

He tells me to move…
“Stop forgetting faith”
Should my faulty frame obey,
Or remain?

She tells me,
that it is (was?) selfish.
I’m fixed to forget murderous eyes

But my knees are still battered.


I was having internet connection problems:

but now I exist.

I bought a new modem to connect internet in my apartment The woman on the phone was very helpful, but she had me on the phone for an entire hour!

 


My Heart is Dead-bolted:

Apparently, my teeth are fine, I’m only experiencing pain from my previous dentist’s filling.  The process he had used was older and included the use of Mercury.  Why they allow a poisonous substance to be used in bonding your fillings to the crowns of your teeth, especially with it being in your mouth, is beyond me!  Anyway, I got this great new electric toothbrush that’s main cause is to combat against gum recession and my mouth couldn’t feel happier or cleaner!

Last night, Izai cooked me an authentic Spanish dish of grilled chicken in cilantro and rice.  I was extremely impressed.  Then, on a whim, we decided to go out to quench our coffee-holic selves with Starbucks but we didn’t choose to stay in Starbucks.  Instead, we went back to my place and watched Big Fish.

That movie makes me so awkwardly happy.  So does spending the evening with a friend and enjoying his native cuisine.

I say all of this, but refer back to the title of my post.  Its not even a question.


I am healing.

I say that because it is an ongoing process, there is never an endpoint because I am sick with sin.  I don’t suffer because that cup passed from my lips and Christ, my savior, endured the devastation that was intended for me.

How awe-some.

As I come more and more into this truth I drop my jaw wider and wider still.  This state of admiration is my reality.  I was created to adore my savior- that is how I will live all of my days.  Healing has not been an easy promise, God doesn’t promise easy- Christ has freely offered us salvation but I have been and still am willing to work out my salvation in fear and trembling, as Paul teaches us.  As Christians, once we proclaim the blood of Christ over us, it becomes our livelihood to live and breathe Christian ethics in speech and action.

This is powerful comprehending that now that I am going through the healing process, I am able to distribute my time more positively and support-ingly.   I know that this is where God wants me to be, to become more like His son in every aspect.  Day after day, I feel like this healing is bringing me closer to God.

It’s a process though…


MESSY VALUES:

 

I have a desire to go further into detail about who I am because I feel like I am just meeting me:)I feel like I need to outwardly express my values system.  For the last couple weeks, I’ve been distressing over who I am.  Who am I?  As an individual, as a woman, as a Christian, as a writer, as an adult?  I always used to think that I wanted to reflect someone whose personality could be easily cut up and put into a nice little shoe box.  I now know that frankly, I’m a messy person.

That mess is something I want to incorporate a set list of values into.  A functional “messy” person is my sole aspiration as of right now.  Compiling a set list of values greatly organizes my life I feel and values say so much about a person.  With that being said, I need to make a list outlining my values.  This does not put me in a nice little shoe box, rather I see organizing my values more as a growth process.  I imagine trampling through a garden in search of myself.  With that being said, my values are as follows:

 

  • I am a follower of God, (Christ is the lover of my soul)
  • I am a working girl!  (Franchise Times is a great magazine to start with in my field!)
  • I am a creative soul, (I enjoy drawing/ writing/reading/ designing on a daily basis)
  • I am an introvert.  (People are nice, but I love having the day to myself. )
  • I am a daughter. (Of the King, of a loving father and mother who have failed in many areas but have succeeded in a lot with my upbringing)

I plan to go into each of these areas in my future blog posts, so keep your eyes peeled!

 

 


Bright Eyes <3

Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes had a pretty bad double for his music video.  I understand his want to remain out of the spotlight, but at least pick a look-alike that looks like you!  But then again, his mind is so twisted that he probably just did this whole video as a joke. ❤

My love: (But not really, the words- not the image)