Monthly Archives: January 2012
“and every day that you wanna waste, you wanna waste/ you can/ and every day that you wanna wake up, you wanna waaake/ you can/ and I’ll help you see it through- cause I just really wanna be with you”
hearing your voice in my ear.
feeling your breath on my neck.
your arms around me, making me feel safe.
our bodies pressed into one another.
you telling me about your dreams.
and so much more.
I used to want to be happy.
Its really not all it’s cracked up to be, professing happiness. A smile doesn’t fix everything.
I want aggression. I want hostility. I want peace.
These may seem like opposites, but really they weren’t.
I am pulling myself up from the wreckage of my past because I AM a conqueror in Christ. I know it is a continual battle but when I am weak- He IS strong! I’ve been emotionally battered beyond recognition and I’ve been succumbing to lies for the past year,
I cannot define myself by piling on contradictions anymore. I need definitive values.
- My God
- My internship that God has blessed me with
- My classwork, the last class I need to take in college
- My writing (On my story, “Monster” and on my blogs)
- My bible reading… it is imperative to ceaselessly immerse myself within the word of God- I realize that I need constant reminders of His greatness)
On top of this burning rubble I acknowledge as my past, I stand victorious with Christ. It is settled. I am determined to write for Him.
This I hold for the art of writing. I absolutely adore written word and am swept off my feet by phenomenal phrasing. This has potentially been a terrible trait, as I have been miserably distracted and dangerously misguided.
I am determined to press myself beyond the end. College, as it winds down, has left me with a lot of guidance in determining my future and for this I am thankful. However, there have been setbacks- but nothing that will dominate or imprison me! Because, Jesus warned,
“The teachers of religious law and the Pharisees are the official interpreters of Scriptures. So practice and obey whatever they say to you, but don’t follow their example. For they don’t practice what they teach. They crush you with impossible religious demands and never lift a finger to help ease the burden.”
-Matthew 23: 2-4
Christ came to this Earth to set us FREE, because we are in absolute bondage to sin and God WON’T accept it. Therefore, it is imperative for Christ to become our mediator! (I plan to do a whole other post revolving around the biblical concept of a mediator and how Jesus was predicted all over the Old Testament in the future… but I realize that this is terribly ambitious.)
But staying on the topic of Christ being freedom, I have this-
” Stand fast… in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.”
– Galatians 5:1
Meditating on this scripture, it becomes grievously clear that I have fallen victim to a Pharisee-like figure. I was nearly crushed- but God rescued me, saved me from the destructive clutches of the Enemy- and for this I am forever thankful!
I rest in the promise that God has the absolute best in store for me. He is ultimately wise and GOOD. And I want to only look forward at what He has set out ahead of me.
Enjoy your evening.
Write something great.
“Was I the greatest/ …in your arsenal?”
Today has been a day of packing for me. I am coming to the end of a journey, a very strenuous journey disguised as a living arrangement. Living at this house has greatly altered my life experiences and made me into a stronger woman. In the very beginning stages of my adult life, this has most likely been an overall good experience. Now I am moving into my very own apartment and somewhat stretching my own life-skills out and testing my independence. I feel very ready for this change.
The house I have resided in for the last 6 months has “out-stayed” its welcome, or maybe I have, but either way- I’m ecstatic to be abandoning this house. Something has changed in my relationships with my roommates. They are nice people, I just do not like living with them. I feel like they’re breathing down my neck, examining every move I make.
This change is overbearing with anxiousness. At the same time, it has been exhilarating in its own right. I found a video on my ipod of my ex and I… it temporarily brought on a wave of nostalgia but then I purposefully took notice of the closest thing near me so I could immerse myself in any small menial task that would stall the pain. Either it did or I’m just significantly numb… Or both.
Being numb is a strange feeling. I can’t say that I have ever before felt this level of despair and frustration. The level of numbness that signifies surrender.
Maybe this is a step in the right direction?
“You thought your hands could heal/ but they left me sore”